i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
