Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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