I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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