Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
