Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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