Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
