I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You ruined the universe
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
