Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
