I'm laying in your front yard are you home
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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