Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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