if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
