My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
