life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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