Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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