Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
