How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
