just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
