Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
