I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
this hospital has no fireball
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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