It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
