i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Houston, we have a blender
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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