Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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