I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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