I just pynch a tree in the face
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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