I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
