This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
