i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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