big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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