If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I lost the right to judge tonight
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
