At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
