just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Four minutes until I can fart!
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
