I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
