My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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