I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
