I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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