A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
