i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
