I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.