nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
