ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
