Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
