I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
last night I used snow as a chaser
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