I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Randomize
