I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
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Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
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Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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