apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
