Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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