The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
