Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
