Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
