sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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