He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
