Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
