I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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