And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
