you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
