Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
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Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
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I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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