i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I just want to make out with him forever
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Randomize
