where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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